So Its Been . . . And I'm Feeling . . .

So it's been six months since I officially became engaged to my fiancee and I'm feeling some kind of way. Since the days of our engagement, we have moved in together and endured the challenges that have come along with it. There were a few times when it seemed our relationship may be over but we've tried to work it out as if a married couple would.

Last night was no different to say the least. Actually, last night was interesting.

I'm in the process of starting a business and lately have felt like I've hit a wall, financially and in terms of resources. So last night, I decided to take a break from business planning to have some much needed couple time. After walking around Adams Morgan a bit, we decided on The Reef. While there, I met a gentleman, who was very polite and engaging. Upon talking further I came to learn that he was a fashion buyer for the good part of 25 years. Considering my business is a fashion business, I felt that I could benefit from bouncing a couple of ideas and questions off of him. He actually shelled out a great deal of good advice so I decided to take our conversation a little deeper.

It was starting to get a little late, so my fiancee decided that he would go to the house (walking distance) to prepare dinner because he felt that the light appetizer we had wasn't adequate enough. I opted to stay and finish the business conversation I was having. About an hour into our conversation, we decided that it was time to part ways. As we are leaving The Reef, my fiancee appears at the top of the stairs with a scowl that could take down an antelope.

When we get downstairs, he proceeds to let me, along with everyone in Adams Morgan, know just what was on his mind. I was taken aback and so was my new business associate. Not 10 minutes ago, he was saying how great of a guy my fiancee was, and now we were being exposed to this side of him that was less than pleasant.

When the other guy tried to diffuse the situation, my fiancee persist to very directly tell him what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. As we both gravely apologize for the lost of time, he storms off and leaves. I quickly tried to calm the situation by telling the potential business associate that I would call him and we could have lunch to discuss the rest of the ideas we had.

I quickly run to try to catch up with my fiancee, but he was no where in sight. When I got back to the house, the air was silent. He sat on the couch with his lips poked out while I proceeded to grab a plate of food. But I had no appetite at this point. I felt really sick to my stomach over what had happened.

I felt embarrassed and belittled, in public, and further more, in front of a business associate. I felt that the connection I had made was ruined. Permanently.

While I sat there, poking at my food, my fiancee decides to leave the room. For the evening, without addressing the issue. 15-20 minutes or so later he comes back and apologizes for what he had done. So at this point, I feel this is my time to chime in with my feelings. But I was cut short as he walked away without even hearing what I wanted or had to say in response.

I felt defeated. Once again, he made his point clear, but I was left with my mouth open in mid sentence. This seems to be a reoccuring theme in our relationship and it drives a wedge right down the middle of us.

Now he tells me that he feels like I love him, but I don't like him. And sometimes I wonder the same thing. There have been a couple of times that I feel I have heard the voice speaking to me saying that I should cash in my chips here. I get tired of being nagged and I feel that no matter how much I try to satisfy his needs, its never good enough. I feel our communication sucks and at times I tune out because I hear the nagging so much.

My relationship used to make me happy, and now that I am trying to persue other avenues in my life, it seems the relationship can't handle it. I find myself wanting to become more involved in other activities so that I can give my fiancee less things to nag about if I'm not around. But then I look like I'm not wanting to spend time with him.

I'm willing to work everything out, but our bond has weakened. I'm weakened, and sometimes I feel there is nothing I can do about it.