Complete, Yet Incomplete

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone is so involved in their own lives that they fail to acknowledge you at all? That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. Because of these feelings I have tried to reach out to the people that are most important to me like old friends and family, but it seems that everyone is so completely absorbed in their own lives, that they forget to clue you in. I actually feel like I'm intruding or imposing on them to a certain degree.

I will say that I am not the best at picking up a telephone to call people. But I am constantly reaching out to people via email or through social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace and sadly enough I think I keep my accounts active solely for the purpose of staying connected. Otherwise, I feel like I would be on an island all alone with no way to communicate.

But its times like this when you realize that everyone else's lives are running circles around your own. I feel like a car that has stalled in the middle of a busy highway. For example, my best friend from elementary school has gotten married and is living a great life. My best friend from high school has gotten married and has two very wonderful children. My best friend from college has gotten married and has a beautiful family as has just recently let me know that I am not really a part of her life at all. DAMN. Even my father has gotten married and just had another baby daughter as of two days ago. He shared photos and information with everyone but me. I actually saw them after my cousin sent time to me in secret. All of my local friends, have other local friends that they would much rather hang out with. And at a time when I am in the prime of my life and everything is so stable and cohesive, I feel yet incomplete.

I don't know what I am looking for but I know that I don't have it. I have a great job, a great boyfriend, I finally have enough money to feel like I'm a functioning citizen in society but still something is lacking. I'm lacking a creature comfort that we all need in life however I don't know how to go about changing that. I've recently joked with my boyfriend that I fear that I have become somewhat introverted at to which he laughed. But I wasn't laughing. Even he has the ability to spend some of his time with friends. And when he does, I make myself content with connecting to Facebook or Myspace to halfway feel like I am connecting to the word . . . when it is all a lie. In reality, I am more of a spectator than a participater and it is quite sickening.

Yesterday I found myself searching Craigslist in hopes of finding some sort of activity or social group that I could join just to break the endless cycle of going to work and going home . . . daily. However I haven't found any activity that makes me want to jump off the couch. Then I thought about using all that extra time to make extra cash. However, in a slow economy, not many opportunities are available. I'm stumped. And it's my own fault. I should have been more outgoing and more social.